Just Pondering...

(Edited to add: My heart is burdoned for un-wed Christian mothers-to-be. If you know me, please don't assume that I am speaking today specifically to my own family's issues. I can't believe that I actually worry about this. I hate thinking that someone who knows me, could use this as evidence to use against my child)

I've been pondering (yes...again) the stand that a church needs to take on abortion and "un-wed mothers". I'm not upset today. I'm not angry today. But I'm just "pondering". Sin is sin, and I'm not arguing with that. But should we only be supportive of an unwed mother ONLY if she puts aside the very sin that got her pregnant in the first place? I have my issues. You have your issues. And some of those issues are sinful. Most of us will never have them blazed across a billboard in our day to day lives. God knows about them. Some of them are battles we fight every day. Some of them are dangerous to ourselves and others. Some of them are probably even the same issues that church leaders battle. If you are a young person in today's world, and have an issue in this particular area, you are probably not alone. I'm just saying that if a church has a "zero tolerance" for sexual sin (not defending "sexual sin" here), and one of it's girls turns up pregnant...do we only celebrate her choice of giving her baby life if she jumps through our "purity hoops"? Do we only offer to help her and her child if she is living up to our expectations? Do we keep her under the spotlight for the duration of her pregnany, just watching for her to slip-up, and to therefore condemn her?

I don't know, but it seems to me that this type of attitude isn't going to save the lives of a lot of babies. Seems to me that a woman who struggles with sexual sin will not turn to her church for help and support. Seems to me that she will either run away and hide, or choose to abort her child, so not to risk the humiliation of herself and her family by the church (which by the way is supposed to demonstrate the Love of God).

I don't think this is what God would want or desire. I'm glad that God accepts me where I am. I am grateful that He still visits with me in spite of my sin issues. I'm so glad that He stayed by my side when I strayed from Him. He was there with me (with His heart breaking, I'm sure) talking to me, and wooing me back to His side. Right now, I'm content here by His side. But I'm not going to say I'll never stray. I DO NOT want to open the door for the enemy to say "oh ya??? Watch this!"

I just wish that the human beings that are "The Church" could love each other like that.

Just "pondering".

"If you can't say somethin' nice..."

To quote Thumper; "If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all". Kind of right on there Thumper! In Proverbs, God says "Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him." and "Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue". My father was a wise man. His version of the proverb was "Even a fool looks wise until he opens his mouth and proves he is not". I've always wondered if he knew he was nearly quoting scripture. He didn't spend much time in the Word to my knowledge, but he did live by this advice. He was a man of few words, but the ones he used were well thought out before they were spoken. Any way...

This has always been a very hard lesson for me. And I am making progress! I now pause a few moments before putting my foot in my mouth! I'm finding this challenging on the internet. One can now put their fingers in action, typing out a snappy reply, and with the push of one key...POOF! It is gone into cyberspace...ready to start it's work...dividing, upsetting, and hurting others.

Oh Lord...don't let me used as a weapon of the enemy to hurt or offend others! Forgive me where I have, as I forgive those who have hurt me. Amen

You know that scene in Pirates of the Caribbean 3, when they are about to set Kalypso free, and she gets really big, and she is really mad, and kind of explodes into a massive hurricane? I got that mad today. It was not pretty. I did not spew my angry words where I wanted to, but was able to vent them to a few very safe family members, who understood, and allowed me to let the pressure off. And then I controlled my little typing fingers, and did not engage in what could have been some slinging of unkindness. Maybe the Lord is making some progress with me after all!!

Friends

I'm so thankful to God for my girlfriends. I have a few friends that have been rocks for me lately. They have spent endless hours with me, letting me go on and on about my life and my heartache. I've told them all that I don't want to be the friend that they want to avoid. You know...the friend that when the name comes up on the caller ID, that you cringe, and let the phone keep ringing? (Yes...I sadly admit I've done that very thing.) These ladies have let me go on and on for hours, even days. They have been willing to read emails that are far too long to read in one sitting. I KNOW that they are praying for me, and for my family. A few have even told me that they have also lost sleep at night in their concern and prayer support for me. Now THAT is an amazing friend!

I am truly blessed to have such friends. When this season of my life changes I hope I can be as good of a friend to them. So to Cyndi, Mary, Lisa, and even Kathy (who, by the way, I've never even met...she's an online friend)...I love you all. You are angels that God has put in my life to give me emotional support and prayer support "for such a time as this"

"Shut Up and Go To Sleep"

Just in case anyone who reads this thinks I've got it together...WRONG. While I know how I should feel, and what I should do...putting it into practice is a whole different thing. I go nights without sleeping (worry and anxiety), I cry regularly, and miss my daughter terribly. I miss the way things used to be. I miss having both of my girls in church on Sunday. I miss knowing that my baby girl will be "just fine" because she loves Jesus. Nothing is clear right now. It is as if I'm driving in dense fog, and I don't know what obstacle is ahead of me. There are lots of things I could say to myself...but none of them seem to help at times. Nothing takes away the pain and confusion in my heart. Perhaps I'm not "spiritual" enough to fall into God's arms in faith. Or maybe it's just because I'm just a human woman. I'm a human woman that's walked a non-perfect life (far from it at times).

My pastor told a story at the end of his sermon yesterday, that I believe God wanted him to share just for me. It was about a couple that went on a cruise (I love cruises!). During their cruise, they came upon a storm. The seas were rocking and rolling to the extreme, and the guests were all asked to remain in their staterooms. The husband laid down to sleep. But the wife was worried and anxious. She called the desk and asked to speak to the captain. The purser told her that he was working, and a little too busy to take her call, but offered to relay a message. She wanted to know how long this storm would last, when they would be in calmer water, and if the ship could hold up through this storm. The purser assured her he would relay the message, and get back to her. In a few minutes, the purser returned her call.

The captain had a 2 part reply to her concerns.
1. "Shut up and go to sleep."
2. "This ship was built for this specific storm."

See...God knows. He has this thing in his Hands. He knows I'm just a human woman...a mother worried about her own baby. He knows I don't "have it together" and that most days I'm barely hanging on. But he says to me..."Kathy, just shut up and go to sleep! I've got this one!" Is it easy to trust? NO! Is it easy not to worry? NO! Is it easy to leave it in His hands? NO! But I still have to try. I still have to go to Him minute by minute. Do I do it? Most of the time, NO! But I will continue to try...minute by minute.