Last week, I got angry.  Angry at depression, and angry at anxiety..."the beast".  I looked up at a clear blue sky on a chilly crisp Spring morning and was struck by the beauty of it all.  And yet, inside, I was imploding with the horrible fear that I was losing the battle with my grip on sanity.  And I yelled.  I got in my car and screamed at it all.  I am a very strong woman.  I have survived the unthinkable in the lives of my family and in my marriage...and now???  Now I'm going to give up??  How dare you anxiety????  How dare you depression???? How dare you all lie to me and tell me I am weak???  With Jesus' help, I've bounced back from so much more than this...and now...you win?  Oh no you don't!  You are not going to win...you will not have my will, nor my desire to seek joy!!!

The next day I came across this verse:
"Sing to the Lord a new song'
sing tho the Lord all the earth"  (Psalm 96:1)

I am determined to sing a new song!  Not one of despair.  Not one of fear.  Not one of broken heartedness.  But instead a song of reliance on my God and Savior.  I felt free of the beast for almost a week when it started to creep back in.  And last night I was awake most of the night with fear about an upcoming appointment for my mother.  I kept calling on Jesus, but I would awake again after a few minutes,  again with fear. I awoke this morning tired, sad, and feeling the pull of the cycle in which I have lived for the last few years.  

I guess I need to remember that it is a day-by-day journey.  I'm not here, at this place in my life by accident.  He will give me the strength I need for each day.  Even on Monday.  I will rely on him tonight for a calm and peaceful sleep.  The beast has no right to my thoughts and dreams, and I will tell it so tonight if it should happen to visit.