For some reason, I was awake really early this morning. Sad thoughts I guess. When I woke up, I was crying. I didn't even know why, but I think it was about my job. Sometimes it's hard to stay positive. Even knowing that God is in control, I still feel vulnerable. I can't help the hurt feelings. I try to give it to God as soon as it starts to swell up in me, but I'm only human. I'm grateful that He knows that.

I honestly don't think I can handle one more stressful thing.

Change

I am finding that one nice thing about getting older is that when change comes your way, you know it isn't going to kill you. You see, I tend to only move when God moves me. I like it when things stay the same. I've worked for the same contract agency for almost 20 years now. And during those 20 years, I've worked in quite a few different places. I've also been forced to leave a few places that I really loved. The cool thing? After I've gotten used to things, most of the time I find that I end up liking the new assignment even better than the last one. It appears that it is time for a change again. I'm grateful that God has provided what looks like will be my next assignment immediately (it's really hard when there is a big time of uncertainty). I won't be going far from home. Rather than the dread that usually goes with this kind of change, I'm feeling a little bit of excitement. See...I've learned to know that God loves me, and if this new placement isn't exactly what I want...He may well be protecting me from a whole lot of stress and frustration in the placement I've left behind. I'm learning to see the rainbow at the very beginning of the storm! "And we know that in all things God works for good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose". Life has been very unsettled for me and my family lately, but I know for certian that God is up to something! And for that reason, I can't wait to see what happens next!

Learning to say "baby"!

I've talked about the "honest transparency" that I would need to have...but yet waited to make it public. As if keeping it inside myself will make it "not true". My daughter is pregnant. It's been hard to say the words...and yet, I'm learning to be excited about the gift that this little baby boy is from God. The timing is all wrong...this was supposed to happen AFTER the "fairytale princess wedding"...not before. I am so grateful that God is forgiving, and that He can (and will) take what the enemy meant for evil, and use it for good. I am grateful that my daughter is still a princess, because we have a forgiving Father in Heaven. She has a hard road ahead of her...but God will be right next to her all along the way. I pray that God blesses her, her son, and the baby's father. I pray that they will become a family that chooses to seek Him, chooses to love Him, and chooses to follow Him and obey.

Broken

My heart aches. My spirit within me cries out to God for mercy. I've come to know and love the vast forgiveness and mercy He offers to those who cry out to Him. I cry out now. My spirit aches within me, I cry out and seek Him so. My God, you are so forgiving, and loving. All we need to do it turn our faces to you and seek you, and you are there, ready to love and forgive. Oh, if only man was even just a little bit as forgiving as you, my God!

I'm becoming very aware how important honest tranparency is. If I spend my life looking like I've got it together to the world, and to other Christians, what purpose have my trials served? Perhaps I've learned a bit more...but how is God glorified? I'm thinking that a trial that is emerging on the horizon will need to be a public journey. I've taken a stand on certian issues, and now I'm going to have to wear the issue myself. I pray that God will give me the courage, and the voice to say what will need to be said. I can't reveal this journey now...it isn't time. But very soon. Very soon.

Life is way too short. You never really know for sure that you have tomorrow. So much time is wasted on petty little issues between friends and family members. There are so many people that wish they could have some time back. And if they had that time back, they would have tossed aside the "issues" that caused the sadness, and pain. How unimportant some things really are! And time passes...