"Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!

How unsearchable His judgements, and His paths beyond tracing out!

Who has known the mind of the Lord?

Or who has been His councilor?

Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him?

For in Him, and through Him, and to Him are all things.

To Him be the glory forever!

Amen"

Romans 11:33-36

It's been quite awhile since I've taken the time to write. My precious little grandson is 8 1/2 months old already! This time last summer, I was so upset, wondering what this little life would bring into our family. Let me say...he is the joy of my life. He is quite a happy little boy! I fall a little deeper in love with him every time I see him. When he puts his pudgy little arms around my neck, and smears my face with wide open mouth "kisses"...I melt just a little bit more. I get even greater joy watching him look up at his momma with all the love in the world. He is a perfect little gift from God!

His grace is sufficient

It seems these days, that there is always an ache deep inside my heart. There is much in my life to be grateful for, that is for sure. But there is a huge "issue" that continues to break my heart, and sometimes it clouds my vision. Sometimes it makes the blessings seem as though they are covered by clouds, or blocked all together from my sight. The "issue" is getting easier to live with, even easier to accept. But sometimes it brings me so darn low, that I can hardly breath. It sucks the joy right out of me. It robs me of sleep. It robs me of laughter.

My precious husband took me on another wonderful cruise a few weeks ago. He wanted me to get a chance to get away from the pain. And it was wonderful. I relaxed, rested and laughed more than I have in a year. It was so nice to escape. I can still access that feeling. I can still call to mind the warmth of the sun, the sound of the water, and the peaceful joy it gave me. I wish I could go back! I wish I could just walk away from the broken heart.

But I can't. I need to trust my God. I am claiming that "His grace is sufficient". I will rest in Him, and know that what breaks my heart, breaks His as well. I know that He is not happy with this "issue" either. And I will trust that in His time, He will act. Until that day. His grace will be sufficient for me. I am leaning on the Everlasting Arms...and He will fill me with all that I need for today.

God is Good

God is Good. He is sooo Good. I thank Him for answered prayer. Yes. Thank you, Lord.

Memories Just Are

I learned a long time ago that “Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are.” Perhaps memories are like that too. There are happy, joyful memories. And there are also painful, unhappy memories. In my scrapbooks, have tried over the years to capture the happy memories. I tend to avoid the unhappy ones, and hope that they just fade into the corners of our minds, or to even vanish as if the events never occurred. But is this a true “picture” of our reality?

I keep chronological scrapbooks…I’ve got volumes of albums full of family photos. They are lovingly placed on decorated pages that are highlighted with stickers or die cuts. I journal my thoughts on the events photographed, for others to read. Most of those events are pleasant to recall. We have had some hard years…but I have managed to find nice things to say, or just skipped over unpleasant things all together. But I am having a hard time as I prepare to scrapbook the year that has just drawn to a close.

I had my heart broken so many times in 2009. Even as 2009 began on New Year’s Eve at midnight, I cried. That year is gone, and along with it, much of the pain has subsided. However, as I look at the photos of the events that have gone by, I can feel that pain as if it was just yesterday. I feel the bitterness begin to surface once again. And I have a choice to make.

God did not spare us the documentation of unhappy moments. The Bible contains many, many examples of men and women who suffered. Many brought it on themselves with sin and poor choices. But not all. Job did nothing to deserve the difficulties he experienced. Jesus did not deserve it either. God tells us that we should “Fear not, for I have redeemed you,
I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” Isaiah 43:1-3. Bad stuff happens…but God is with us even then.

How will I proceed with my documentation of 2009 in my scrapbook? I’m still not sure. But I know that like feelings, memories just are. I also know that God is in control. “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

A Do-Over

It isn't often in this life we get a "do-over". The "do-overs" I've had were pretty much anti-climatic anyway. It just isn't possible to feel the same way you did as a child on Christmas morning. Since I was a little girl, I've not felt the total freedom of childhood that came with the start of Summer Vacation. I can remember getting up and going outside, feeling like I had "forever" in front of me to play. I wish I could feel that feeling again. One of the saddest things about getting older, is that you can't have the time back. You can't make it happen again, and feel the same joy.

But that changed this weekend. For the last few months, I've been part of a committee to plan a reunion. Not just any old reunion...but the reunion of my high school Concert Choir. The planning stages were a ton of fun...reconnecting, planning and anticipating. But the event...it was beyond my wildest expectation! Friday night and Saturday morning, we re-connected with old friends and acquaintances. What joy! So many vaguely familiar faces, and then recognition, hugs and laughter! I admit I was a little worried. How would it be to see people that I knew back then, when life was uncertain and sometimes painful? However, it was purely joyful experience in the body of a mature, confident woman, instead of an insecure adolescent girl.

When we joined as a group, and sang our first notes, it wasn't very pretty. We stumbled through an unfamiliar song, with voices uncertain. And then it happened. The second song. A old choir anthem..."The Blessing of Aaron". The voices, together in harmony, growing stronger with every measure. We ended softly after a crescendo, with an echo filling the church. The director smiled, and we smiled, and we moved forward with excitement. Mature voices now, no longer youthful sounding, but rich, full, and confident (well...maybe not confident yet, but certainly exuberant!) We spent the day together in practice with a break for lunch. That evening we enjoyed a banquet. Many people took the opportunity to tell others how their lives were touched all those years ago. We seldom we get the opportunity to know when we have impacted another. There was a lot of that type of sharing going on. Best of all, we got to tell our director how he impacted our lives. And he shared how we had impacted his life as well. He called us his "kids". What an honor. He made such a huge difference in my life.

On Sunday, we performed in a concert for our families and friends. We were all united in the goal of making beautiful music together. And we all looked to our director with respect and admiration. I know that I was especially anticipating his look of approval at the end of the concert. I've always remembered the little sparkle in his eye when he was proud of our performance. I got far more. I saw that sparkle, but also tears, and joy beyond my expectations.

All in all...it was one of the best experiences of my life. I am so glad that one day, 30+ years ago, I sang "Come Saturday Morning" nervously as I auditioned for Concert Choir. I'm so thankful that my name was on the list of new choir members a few days later. How wonderful to know that "do-overs" are possible. And that they can be even better than we might ever even imagine!

Waiting

There is a new little baby going to be born within the next few weeks. I am praying for him. I'm praying for his safe arrival. I'm praying that he will be healthy little guy. I'm praying for his mommy...that God will keep her safe as she gives birth to her baby son. I'm praying that his mommy will pray for him as she holds him in her arms, and that she will show him that loving Jesus means more than any other thing she can teach him as he grows. I'm praying that he will love Jesus, and make him his very best friend ever. I'm also praying that his mommy will learn to trust Jesus more everyday for the strength, energy and wisdom that will be needed to be a godly parent.

See, it took me a long time to realize that really loving Jesus is the best way to go through life. I learned the hard way that going through the motions isn't good enough (not that I thought I was faking it at the time). One can only go so far without totally submitting to the Holy Spirit. I think you can be a Christian...merely an infant in Christ...without really knowing Him as the "Love of your life". When you reach the point that you know you don't have the strength humanly, when all is exhausted...that's when you totally fall in love with Jesus. When you know that He is the only One you need. It's only then you realize that you've got the Answer. It's really been there all along. Waiting patiently. Waiting longingly. How I wish that I had found the Answer sooner...not with head knowledge...but with my whole heart, mind and soul!.

So I'm praying that this baby's mommy will find herself totally in love with Jesus. Sooner than later