Just Pondering...

(Edited to add: My heart is burdoned for un-wed Christian mothers-to-be. If you know me, please don't assume that I am speaking today specifically to my own family's issues. I can't believe that I actually worry about this. I hate thinking that someone who knows me, could use this as evidence to use against my child)

I've been pondering (yes...again) the stand that a church needs to take on abortion and "un-wed mothers". I'm not upset today. I'm not angry today. But I'm just "pondering". Sin is sin, and I'm not arguing with that. But should we only be supportive of an unwed mother ONLY if she puts aside the very sin that got her pregnant in the first place? I have my issues. You have your issues. And some of those issues are sinful. Most of us will never have them blazed across a billboard in our day to day lives. God knows about them. Some of them are battles we fight every day. Some of them are dangerous to ourselves and others. Some of them are probably even the same issues that church leaders battle. If you are a young person in today's world, and have an issue in this particular area, you are probably not alone. I'm just saying that if a church has a "zero tolerance" for sexual sin (not defending "sexual sin" here), and one of it's girls turns up pregnant...do we only celebrate her choice of giving her baby life if she jumps through our "purity hoops"? Do we only offer to help her and her child if she is living up to our expectations? Do we keep her under the spotlight for the duration of her pregnany, just watching for her to slip-up, and to therefore condemn her?

I don't know, but it seems to me that this type of attitude isn't going to save the lives of a lot of babies. Seems to me that a woman who struggles with sexual sin will not turn to her church for help and support. Seems to me that she will either run away and hide, or choose to abort her child, so not to risk the humiliation of herself and her family by the church (which by the way is supposed to demonstrate the Love of God).

I don't think this is what God would want or desire. I'm glad that God accepts me where I am. I am grateful that He still visits with me in spite of my sin issues. I'm so glad that He stayed by my side when I strayed from Him. He was there with me (with His heart breaking, I'm sure) talking to me, and wooing me back to His side. Right now, I'm content here by His side. But I'm not going to say I'll never stray. I DO NOT want to open the door for the enemy to say "oh ya??? Watch this!"

I just wish that the human beings that are "The Church" could love each other like that.

Just "pondering".

"If you can't say somethin' nice..."

To quote Thumper; "If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all". Kind of right on there Thumper! In Proverbs, God says "Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him." and "Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue". My father was a wise man. His version of the proverb was "Even a fool looks wise until he opens his mouth and proves he is not". I've always wondered if he knew he was nearly quoting scripture. He didn't spend much time in the Word to my knowledge, but he did live by this advice. He was a man of few words, but the ones he used were well thought out before they were spoken. Any way...

This has always been a very hard lesson for me. And I am making progress! I now pause a few moments before putting my foot in my mouth! I'm finding this challenging on the internet. One can now put their fingers in action, typing out a snappy reply, and with the push of one key...POOF! It is gone into cyberspace...ready to start it's work...dividing, upsetting, and hurting others.

Oh Lord...don't let me used as a weapon of the enemy to hurt or offend others! Forgive me where I have, as I forgive those who have hurt me. Amen

You know that scene in Pirates of the Caribbean 3, when they are about to set Kalypso free, and she gets really big, and she is really mad, and kind of explodes into a massive hurricane? I got that mad today. It was not pretty. I did not spew my angry words where I wanted to, but was able to vent them to a few very safe family members, who understood, and allowed me to let the pressure off. And then I controlled my little typing fingers, and did not engage in what could have been some slinging of unkindness. Maybe the Lord is making some progress with me after all!!

Friends

I'm so thankful to God for my girlfriends. I have a few friends that have been rocks for me lately. They have spent endless hours with me, letting me go on and on about my life and my heartache. I've told them all that I don't want to be the friend that they want to avoid. You know...the friend that when the name comes up on the caller ID, that you cringe, and let the phone keep ringing? (Yes...I sadly admit I've done that very thing.) These ladies have let me go on and on for hours, even days. They have been willing to read emails that are far too long to read in one sitting. I KNOW that they are praying for me, and for my family. A few have even told me that they have also lost sleep at night in their concern and prayer support for me. Now THAT is an amazing friend!

I am truly blessed to have such friends. When this season of my life changes I hope I can be as good of a friend to them. So to Cyndi, Mary, Lisa, and even Kathy (who, by the way, I've never even met...she's an online friend)...I love you all. You are angels that God has put in my life to give me emotional support and prayer support "for such a time as this"

"Shut Up and Go To Sleep"

Just in case anyone who reads this thinks I've got it together...WRONG. While I know how I should feel, and what I should do...putting it into practice is a whole different thing. I go nights without sleeping (worry and anxiety), I cry regularly, and miss my daughter terribly. I miss the way things used to be. I miss having both of my girls in church on Sunday. I miss knowing that my baby girl will be "just fine" because she loves Jesus. Nothing is clear right now. It is as if I'm driving in dense fog, and I don't know what obstacle is ahead of me. There are lots of things I could say to myself...but none of them seem to help at times. Nothing takes away the pain and confusion in my heart. Perhaps I'm not "spiritual" enough to fall into God's arms in faith. Or maybe it's just because I'm just a human woman. I'm a human woman that's walked a non-perfect life (far from it at times).

My pastor told a story at the end of his sermon yesterday, that I believe God wanted him to share just for me. It was about a couple that went on a cruise (I love cruises!). During their cruise, they came upon a storm. The seas were rocking and rolling to the extreme, and the guests were all asked to remain in their staterooms. The husband laid down to sleep. But the wife was worried and anxious. She called the desk and asked to speak to the captain. The purser told her that he was working, and a little too busy to take her call, but offered to relay a message. She wanted to know how long this storm would last, when they would be in calmer water, and if the ship could hold up through this storm. The purser assured her he would relay the message, and get back to her. In a few minutes, the purser returned her call.

The captain had a 2 part reply to her concerns.
1. "Shut up and go to sleep."
2. "This ship was built for this specific storm."

See...God knows. He has this thing in his Hands. He knows I'm just a human woman...a mother worried about her own baby. He knows I don't "have it together" and that most days I'm barely hanging on. But he says to me..."Kathy, just shut up and go to sleep! I've got this one!" Is it easy to trust? NO! Is it easy not to worry? NO! Is it easy to leave it in His hands? NO! But I still have to try. I still have to go to Him minute by minute. Do I do it? Most of the time, NO! But I will continue to try...minute by minute.

"Pro-Life" means "Pro-Mother"

I honestly had no idea that a crisis pregnancy could be so traumatic to an entire family. I used to think that it was certainly not easy, but that one would just have to accept it, and move on. But I am learning that it is a situation that is not only life altering for the "mother-to-be", but it also has profound affects on parents, siblings, and friends. Not to mention one's church family.

The Pro-Life stand that my church has taken has always been dear to my heart. I was told once, by a pastor's wife that it "isn't enough to be Pro-Life, you have to also be Pro-Mother". It's easy to say the words, but is it easy to walk that walk? Is it enough to say "NO" to abortion, but is it easy to walk beside the woman who chooses life? Once she chooses life, do we forget about her and go on to our next challenge? In the mean time, she is pregnant, confused, and wondering what she will do when this little one comes. Is it easier for us when this mother is a nameless stranger who we are helping with our denotations? Are we only willing to walk along side her when she meets our requirements for "worthiness"? Is this child as much of a gift from God as the child conceived in wedlock? THIS CHILD IS NOT SIN...THIS CHILD IS EQUALLY AS PRECIOUS IN GOD'S EYES AS THE CHILD WE CELEBRATE IN A MARRIED FAMILY!

I feel that we may all have a double standard. Perhaps it is because we have convinced ourselves that unplanned pregnancies only happen to women who haven't been brought up in the church. Perhaps we have convinced ourselves that this only happens to "other people's daughters". Well I'm here to tell you it happens to OUR daughters, to MY daughter, to YOUR daughter. This daughter needs YOUR support. She needs the support of her church. Even if she is too embarrassed to attend services, she NEEDS her church to understand, and to show her love. If she believes she is being judged and looked down upon, what reason will she have to EVER return?

Even if you don't agree with her choices...Show her that LOVE! She already feels condemnation...she feels it EVERY DAY. She doesn't need her church to remind her of her sin...she looks down and sees it EVERY DAY. To be Pro-Life means to be "Pro-Mother, and "Pro-Baby". This baby is every bit as valuable to God as any other baby. He/She is not the "sin". He is the amazing work of our loving Heavenly Father, and for this we should celebrate!

Out With the Old

In 1994 we got a big oval swimming pool just in time for my step-daughter's 16th birthday. We had a beautiful deck built as well. We had a fun party for her. Many summer parties have centered around this pool, and it has provided hours of fun. My youngest daughter would even swim on days that were chilly and overcast. She loved the pool! I even remember my dad, who died in '96, playing volley ball with us in the water. He loved swimming!

As I write this, there is a crew of guys tearing down that deck. It's gotten old, and is rotting in places. The pool is still here for now. We tried to open it this year...but it has a huge leak that we haven't been able to locate. Over the years, we've repaired it, put in a new liner, bought a new filter, etc. We're thinking that it's time for that pool to go too. The kids are grown, and have many other things to do besides swim in our yard. The time, money, and energy it takes to keep it usable isn't worth the amount of use that the pool gets.

Yet...I am sad. Did I mention that I really don't like change? It's hard to watch it come down. "Nothing stays the same"...I learned that from my husband a long time ago. I still need to learn that good things come from getting rid of old things. I need to learn that you have to clean out the old, rotten stuff to make room for new fun, and new joy. New joy will come...it's right around the corner!

For some reason, I was awake really early this morning. Sad thoughts I guess. When I woke up, I was crying. I didn't even know why, but I think it was about my job. Sometimes it's hard to stay positive. Even knowing that God is in control, I still feel vulnerable. I can't help the hurt feelings. I try to give it to God as soon as it starts to swell up in me, but I'm only human. I'm grateful that He knows that.