Last week, I got angry.  Angry at depression, and angry at anxiety..."the beast".  I looked up at a clear blue sky on a chilly crisp Spring morning and was struck by the beauty of it all.  And yet, inside, I was imploding with the horrible fear that I was losing the battle with my grip on sanity.  And I yelled.  I got in my car and screamed at it all.  I am a very strong woman.  I have survived the unthinkable in the lives of my family and in my marriage...and now???  Now I'm going to give up??  How dare you anxiety????  How dare you depression???? How dare you all lie to me and tell me I am weak???  With Jesus' help, I've bounced back from so much more than this...and now...you win?  Oh no you don't!  You are not going to win...you will not have my will, nor my desire to seek joy!!!

The next day I came across this verse:
"Sing to the Lord a new song'
sing tho the Lord all the earth"  (Psalm 96:1)

I am determined to sing a new song!  Not one of despair.  Not one of fear.  Not one of broken heartedness.  But instead a song of reliance on my God and Savior.  I felt free of the beast for almost a week when it started to creep back in.  And last night I was awake most of the night with fear about an upcoming appointment for my mother.  I kept calling on Jesus, but I would awake again after a few minutes,  again with fear. I awoke this morning tired, sad, and feeling the pull of the cycle in which I have lived for the last few years.  

I guess I need to remember that it is a day-by-day journey.  I'm not here, at this place in my life by accident.  He will give me the strength I need for each day.  Even on Monday.  I will rely on him tonight for a calm and peaceful sleep.  The beast has no right to my thoughts and dreams, and I will tell it so tonight if it should happen to visit.

My heart has been calling me to return to this blog after an absence of a few years.

YEARS!  Wow.

And how far my heart has strayed!  I read my profile...and I'm sad.  When did I stop believing that fairy tales end with "happily ever after"?  When did I give up on "it will get better...things will improve"? When did I stop traveling down the road to "Trusting the Lord with all my heart..."?  When and how did I let depression and anxiety win?  I've been defeated, and sometimes feel as though I struggle to breath under the weight of it all!  Like now.  Like this morning.

And...when did I stop writing?  When I read my past posts, I'm stunned by my words!  Did I really write them?  Did I really feel like that?

No one listens.  No one cares how I feel, or what I have to say.  Not really.  And that is a sad fact.

Anxiety wins?  Depression is the victor?  That's not what the Bible says.  But that's the way I live.  I'm in therapy.  I want to defeat the beast.

So maybe it's time to write again.  It won't always be pretty, but...maybe it will help me find my voice, even if no one hears or cares.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5,6

This verse has become my anchor these days. While I've many times in my life managed to defeat the fear that often holds me captive...in the past year it's been pretty hard for me to shake.  It takes different forms, and can be disguised in different ways.  There are many things to call it that make it seem less like the sin that it is.  Its sister is "worry".  Actually, I've only recently come to recognize that "worry" is just another word for "fear".  I'm learning more and more to let it go.  I long to totally release it all to my Father in Heaven, and to live day by day.  So...to help myself, I've broken this verse down a bit, in an effort to apply it to myself...to my unique mental process.

Trust:  To be confident, bold or sure.  

With all:  The whole; hence all, any or every

Your heart:  Feelings, the will and even the intellect

Lean:   Lie, rely, rest

Your own understanding: Wisdom, knowledge, insight

Your ways:  on your journey, course of life, a road

Acknowledge: Think about, reveal, recognize, consider, have respect, 

Path:  Way, travel, destiny, course

Straight:  Right, pleasant, prosperous, upright

 "Martha, Martha ("Kathy, Kathy") you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is necessary.  Mary has made the right choice, and it will not be taken away from her"  Luke 30:41, 4

I take the liberty to insert my own name here at times...as I "hear" Jesus telling me that I "worry about many things".  What did Mary not have taken away from her?  Sitting at Jesus feet, and listening to his words.  So when I hear him say "Kathy, Kathy..." lovingly, comfortingly, beckoning me to sit with Him, and be with Him...I know it's time to do so.  

I've got a lot of life on my plate these days...but I want to acknowledge Him in all my ways, and walk not by power and not by might, but by His Spirit...one day at a time.

I'm on a new journey....learning to "let it go".

Beyond Words

We went to a funeral today.  One that should never needed to be had.  How could one so young feel that he had nothing to live for?  So many people who loved him.  So many friends.  And such a cruel, violent choice.  He must have been ill.  A rational mind would never consider something that would impact so many people.  How could someone do such a thing, and know that he would be bringing his family infinite amounts of pain and desperate sorrow?  I don't understand, and cannot comprehend such thinking.  I can't wrap my mind around the reasons.  I guess I would be better off not trying.  

Lord, we can't understand certain things that happen in this world.  But you do.  You know.  I pray that this one knew you...that you are now wrapping your arms around him.  I pray that you would embrace his parents, sisters, nieces and nephews.   Lift them up, strengthen them.  Give them rest.  Comfort them, Lord...hold them in your arms. Amen

A Lesson In Submission

"I'm not doing that"..."I'm not comfortable doing that"..."We've never done it like that before for a very good reason"...I could go on. Our church's pastor decided that we needed to do a service project. And because no one would show up to do it any other day, he decided it would be done on a Sunday morning. He gave us plenty of warning...more than enough to dream up a variety of excuses as to why one couldn't (or wouldn't) attend that day. I sat, arms crossed, lips tight, weekly as he talked about it. We had 3 options open to us...a nursing home visit, a coffee shop, or a clean-up project.

Our church has gone through a lot of changes lately. People that have been members for years have left. Families that have attended for generations have left. The reasons for the exodus, I'm not completely sure. I've had a few suspicions. I've avoided asking for the most part. What I have felt in my heart is that this man is on to something. I'm not always sure what. I know that he can preach unlike any I've ever heard before, without a doubt. But I really have believed that God is at work here. New people are coming in...lots of them!

Which brings me back to my tale. I've watched the people that seemed to be supportive of this "new approach" to ministry. I'm noticing that some of the people embracing the difference, were people that really didn't get involved in our "traditional" ministry opportunities. I'm noticing that people that sometimes seemed "on the outside" of things, are digging in to these new things. And with that, I needed to look into my own heart. See...my pastor is a very young man (about the same age as my oldest daughter). And he was asking me to step way beyond what I was comfortable doing, and on a Sunday morning! But God reminded me that this young man is my church's pastor. He is the spiritual leader of this church I love so much. And then...God asked me a question. "Kathy, are you at least willing to pick up garbage for me?" "I would do anything for you Lord", I replied..."even pick up garbage".

So with that, I found myself in the middle of a parking lot, next to a river on a 95 degree day, wearing jeans, socks, shoes, a long sleeved shirt to keep the sun off of my "whiter that white" skin, gloves,and a hat...with a garbage bag, and a rake. My first impression seeing the river, is that I've lived in this community for 40 years, and have never seen that river from this location. It was beautiful! And the closer I looked, I saw weeds, and trash. Lots and lots of disgusting garbage. I worked along side a woman I've known since high school. We worked together, pulling weeds, picking up garbage and talking. (By the way...she was quite a power house, needing fewer breaks than I...and I'm a year younger!) We also spent some time working quietly. As I picked up garbage, I thought about how it relates to my stinking garbage attitude (I still didn't have the best of thoughts about the project). I can look "all together" on a Sunday morning for church as I sing in worship, but yet I can have stinking garbage polluting my heart, attitude and life...and no one can see it unless they look very closely.

It was then I realized why I was there. It was about submission. It was about God directing how I will serve Him...not my own self-driven will. It was about allowing my pastor to lead me as he was called by my church, and God to do...not as I think he should. It was miserably hot...and in a way, I felt like I was being taught a lesson by God. I was uncomfortable, and it was an unpleasant task. As I worked, I felt my defiant heart change a bit. It became resolved. It became willing. It even became a little bit more joyful.

Will I be quick to step out of that comfort zone next time? I hope so...but knowing me, I'll probably still put up a fight (inside that is). But I did learn a lesson. It's up to God how I serve Him...not me. And yes...I will pick up garbage if that's what my King askes of me.

For absolute crying out loud!

For absolute crying out loud! I am so sick of being in the center of some sort of "drama". The root of all of it seems to be jealousy. Jealousy with a healthy dose of self-centeredness. And both are sin. I am not throwing stones here. I can lean toward both very easily...I can and do more often than I care to admit. But I do admit it when I recognize it, and take them both to Jesus. At some point though, I am just going to explode from it all! I really don't care much for conflict. But I so often these days, find myself in the center of it. My nature is to just retreat from it all...pull back into a little shell, and let it all pass me by. But even doing that gets me in trouble.



Ahhh...Lord, help me see through your eyes!